She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
