Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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