Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
