guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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