why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
