i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
