But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
