Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
