So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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