Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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