I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
