Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
