he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
thus making me awesome and them whores
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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