dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
