Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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