I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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