Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
