I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You ate ashes out of my bong
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
