Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
