Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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