Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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