i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
