i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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