there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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