My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
