I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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