you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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