I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize