I can tuck mytits in my pants
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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