I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
