What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
