I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You should frame my arrest warrant.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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