we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
