There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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