accomplished twins. life is a go
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
