Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize