I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
