My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
