He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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