so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
