You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
