I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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