I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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