When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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