I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize