you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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