Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
