I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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