I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize