the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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