I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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