Already got asked if we're dating
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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