Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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