If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
