You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
