Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize