I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
