Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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