I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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