Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
