Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
