I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
