It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
