I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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